Friday, April 08, 2016

Chapter 30: Want and Need

Want does not imply need.  I don't need Liam to make my life whole or better.  I don't need him to take care of me.  I don't need him for anything.

So what's on the flip side?  The side of need?  What do I need?

Has "lonely" crossed your mind, readers?  Lonely for attention and affection?  I say little of what my life at home was like, of the not even to Rory.    Reed never knew that I found his account on the internet's innocuously named "friend finder."  Why should I have told him? There was, at the time, no way to "win" in this situation, no way to look like a woman who wasn't scorned and seeking revenge.

One morning, long ago, during the drive to work I almost confessed my loneliness to Reed.  The drive to work, though, left me cold, angry... wanting to retaliate.  I remember it too clearly.  All I wanted was to hold hands with him while we sat in traffic.  Just a squeeze of the hand.  Nothing more.  Half-asleep in the passenger seat, he didn't even indicate that he even noticed that I took his hand and squeezed.  When I did it twice, he moved his hand away.  I said nothing.  When I went to kiss him good-bye before going into work, he averted his eyes.

Why do I bother?
Liam was very easy to want. Shall I go on about his eyes and his hands? His arms? Should I tell you how I once spent my days trying not to look at him and let my emotions show? He wore jeans one day. Missed a belt loop in the back, though I didn't tell him. I liked it somehow; it made me think of his morning ritual and how rushed he always is because of his tendency to get up late.

We could have fit into each other's lives very easily under other circumstances, though I still think he would have gone into shock if he saw my version of home-maker.

Tomorrow morning, we have to work together. A client called, we need to meet with him. We'll go in early, do our job just like always.  But we won't steal a few minutes.  We won't take the longer route. We won't spend our private moments passionately necking.

Where was that going anyway?  Did he and I have a future?  Damned if I know.  Some days I think that I fled the room because there was noting else I could do.  I ran from him because I knew, unconsciously, that there was nothing more for us save for sex.

What happened since that night, you ask?  Nothing.  Nothing at all.

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