Sunday, April 10, 2016

Chapter 31: Need vs. Want, and a Convertible

Need versus want. I once needed to be with one sort of man; now I want to be with another. Fickle? No doubt.  

When I look at him, I realize that I don't need him. I want him. I want to be with him. I want to run jump play with him. I want to laugh and joke and make him smile.  But who one am I looking at?   The real man or the one of my creation?  The one I fantasized about for all these years?

Today we went to lunch, me and this fantasy, pretending that all was well.

At lunch, I ordered a dessert I can't spell, daring to try something new. It arrived, smothered in honey, ice cream, and cinnamon sugar. The presentation alone was incredible. Scooping it all up with a fried tortilla, I found myself thinking about the movie 9 1/2 Weeks and how I never quite understood the sensuality of "the food scene."

Abruptly, now, I did.

I was conscious of the coldness of the ice cream as well as the heat of the plate, of the honey's texture, and the spice of the sugar...  I picked with my fingers, getting them sticky in the process, and thoughtlessly popping my index finger into my mouth to lick off the honey. I don't know if he noticed. Don't, I told myself. Behave!

I tried.

My mind rebelled for a moment, reminding me that he was as interested as I. All I needed to do was put my knee to his or daringly put my foot on the seat next to him. Once in the car, if I wanted to, I could squeeze his thigh, my nails telling him that it was so much more then a friendly touch...

Need versus want. Want connotes choice; need denies it. Need demands that one act, while want offers a choice and the option to wait. Need comes from something missing, an absence.

Want comes from the recognition of desire, from the knowledge that having will possibly make life better. Different. In theory, anyway. Want can result in disaster, of course. What do I want? Need?  I once needed a man who would hold me at the right moments, let me cry and rant. I also needed someone who would, when I went too far into my spiral, tell me to get a grip. I escaped, grew up, and moved away. I found my confidence and my balance. My needs changed to wants.

Now I want a man to hold me at the right moments, to let me cry and rant. I want someone who will tell me to get my act together when my melodrama kicks in.  But, if no one is there, I can cry and keep myself together. When I feel like being a drama queen, I indulge.  I escaped, grew up, and moved away. My theme. I did those things because I wanted to, I decided that living in the middle of nowhere, where my mother was infamous, and my best friend disappeared but nobody talked about it, was not a life to condemn myself to. Want and need. Need and want. Thinking out loud on the electronic page. I wonder at the expressions that cross my face as I write this. Right now, I've a half-grin on my face, amused at the words I'm typing. Am I really saying this? Thinking this? And what will he think when he reads this? Perhaps such depth and curiosities are better saved for another day. It's been a long day and two glasses of wine are dulling my filter. Writing, rewriting, meetings, and clients... Tonight I'm home alone. I finally bought that convertible. Picked it up today.

I keep eyeing the keys.  

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