Saturday, March 26, 2016

Chapter 26: Remembering

There are parts of your life that you never forget and, if you close your eyes, can happen again. They are the parts where the memories are sometimes too clear and too unforgettable to ever really leave you alone. When he crossed the room and took you in his arms, you can still see the purposeful stride and -- when he kissed you -- you can still feel the pressure of his lips on yours. It doesn't matter if it's two weeks or months or years. It doesn't matter that you haven't touched or talked to him in however long its been, because you can still feel the shape of his face as you traced it with your fingers and explored his features, learning by touch what you knew so well by sight.

Those parts are hidden in memory, brought out at night in bed alone when it's safe to think about him. The torment is sweeter and sharper -- but at night, alone, you can give yourself over to the memories and, yes, the regrets.

When you touch your left hand and feel how naked your ring finger is, you wonder at whether you'll ever want to be part of two again, chained by gold and diamonds more than by want. It started, all of it, the day you found that the unused box of condoms was opened and two were missing and you knew that your intimacy with your fiance was not the cause. When you found, then, the forgotten e-mail -- the one he didn't delete for whatever reason -- with the password to his new account on the adult friend network, you knew. And he started working late, started forgetting to call when he was heading home, and started not questioning anything you did. Then your hand is bare and he never remarks on it.

Perhaps it started as revenge. Liam was there and willing, after all. Perhaps the fiance's infidelity was all the permission you needed and there was no revenge. Does it matter?