Saturday, September 19, 2015

Chapter 9: Fools

In the days since THE KISS, it all seems less real.  As if it were nothing more than a fantasy conjured in the dark, in the minutes before sleep takes hold.  There’ve been many a night like that, after all, where I fall asleep thinking about Liam.  But they’re curious thoughts, ones asking “what did he mean?” or “what should I do now?”

Am I dwelling on this too much?  It was a kiss.  That’s all.  God, I didn’t even relax enough to give myself fully, so it’s not like the kiss was so earth-shattering that I’m still trying to re-assemble myself.  If there is another one, I won’t hold back.  Then again, if I don’t… do I want to know what I’m missing?  Isn’t ignorance bliss?  Oh, but we both had a taste, and one sip isn’t enough.  I know that. 

Yet at the same time that I'm thinking all of this, I want to laugh at this man, mock him, tell him that he wouldn't want me if knew about my "demons," as I've nicknamed my hang-ups.

He remarked, off-hand, yesterday something that I took to mean that I might make a bigger deal out of some things then I had to. This after he saw the diet pills when I opened my desk drawer.  He said nothing, just took them.  "You're perfect, you don't need them."  I wanted to look squarely at him and ask what he knew and what he thought he knew.

Fool.  Since when is it about just the pounds?  When is it about a stupid little number on a scale?  

It's about control, about being able to make my body do what I want it to do and not what comes naturally.  It's about being able to look at Reed and give him a silent fuck you.  He thinks he knows me, but he doesn't  If he did, he'd see the pills on the bathroom sink.  If he did, he would know that the harder he steps, the better those pills taste. And Liam.  He would recognize that few sensations are more powerful than not eating, that few things taste as sublime as the emptiness that I manufacture.  Popping that little brown capsule from it's foil pack, feeling it cradled -- for only a moment -- in my palm, then downing it, chasing it with water.  I close my eyes then, feeling how full I am.