Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Chapter 12: What is want?

What is want, anyway? What is the nature of wanting? Perhaps, a little voice whispers, I'm just using him and our happy hours for what I want at home and do not feel that I'm getting. Perhaps I am lying to myself about a lot of things. I really don't know.

Perhaps these questions come only because I know that he's leaving soon and fear hurting him somehow, either by tying up those loose ends or cutting the strings completely.  I don't think there is a way to not hurt one of us.

I do want him. I want his attention. I want to keep feeling that wonderful way he makes me feel when we talk -- as if I'm the center of his world. Perhaps it is my ego driving all of this: after all, how easy one becomes invisible at home sometimes! I want to be able to touch if I want to touch, or to not touch if I don't want to touch. I want to make him laugh. I want to laugh with him. Physically, there's want as well... though that's the easiest to squelch down and try to ignore. It's the emotional wants that I can't pretend away.

I've changed so much since last year, in ways that even I can't fully understand. I've begun to yell more at home, to expect more from my "significant other." I've quit being my mother in that I have to make everything better. Solve your own damn problems. I'm no longer satisfied with the attention I am getting, no longer as willing to explain away what I feel I'm missing. We fight a little more often because I'm no longer the clinging, frightened woman he first knew. He no longer needs to take care of me as he once did. It throws him off, this headstrong female who says "no" more often and who won't accept traits I once willingly ignored.

My... my what? my passions? my affair? my games?... my friendship with Liam began.. when? Does that matter?

After everything I knew fell apart and after I changed. So, yes, we started down this path of our own making, heedless of everything -- including the rules that insist what begins must have a middle as well as an ending, a resolution. I won't accept a resolution that costs us everything, even each other. The truth is that I'd end up resenting Liam in the end, hating him -- and it doesn't matter how rational or irrational it is.

My wants are irrational to begin with. I am discovering more then even Liam knows. Do you know I've only willingly been with one man, ever? Only one, my boyfriend. Before it was guilt and manipulation and starvation. Before that, just boys... as clueless as I was and willing to accept my lead in everything. Then an episode in the hotel, pressed against the wall, tasting nothing but disinterest. That time, I used my knee when he didn't let up.